Halfway Into 2023

 Got a promotion at work

Time seems to pass faster when you're 32

Still single, still livin' with my parents, still sharing a room

Wish I could live in Australia, Tasmania was so nice, the farm stay was like living in a dream

The November hookup last year was the best, the chemistry was spot on. Too bad she only saw it as a hook up

 The novelty of promoting wears off quickly

My investments are doing terrible, my net worth would have been better had I not put a single cent into tech stocks and crypto

My interest in owning things (Garmin, sports stuff) wanes, what I really want is to own a property or two

Dating gets harder the more you know and the more specific your tastes gets

Sometimes it all feels overwhelming, that I'm lagging behind in so many various aspects

Relationships are what really matter, memories are the ones worth creating

Competence is a constant struggle, it's hard to be good at what one does

 

It's 2020: What's in Store This Year?

So, 2020 has dawned upon us. In fact, the month of January is already coming to a close. A month used to take so long to pass when I was in Primary school, but these days, it literally flies past me in the blink of an eye.

I was reviewing this blog before making this post, and saw that I had in my drafts reflections of four years (2016 - 2019), all of which were mostly half written. I need to get into the habit of doing these yearly reflections seriously, as life seems to be accelerating with each passing year and I do not have the best of memory. I believe I will look back at this post one day when I am old and retired, and I do not wish my thoughts at that moment to be 'I wish I had done more things to remember my life', for that would be a very sad thing to happen indeed.

So, I did some reflection on 2019 elsewhere but I will do it here again. 2019 was many things; I completed three CPA Australia papers, bringing me that much closer to finally completing my CPA Australia (which will be this year, 2020). I travelled to three countries; Philippines, Sabah in East Malaysia and Taiwan, which is so far my favourite country.

Let's talk about travels for a moment. In June of 2019, I visited Taiwan for the first time in my life. Taiwan was a lovely place really, the people there are completely different in behavior from that of PRC China, based on my observation. I encountered some of the friendliest and warmest people in Taiwan; one was the Uber driver who brought me to Gaomei Wetlands. He gave me various recommendations regarding food and was also very curious about where I was from. Another was the train conductor when I was aboard the train from Wai'ao back to Taipei as the holiday was coming to an end. Apparently, I had not bought the right ticket, and when the conductor asked for it, I must have given him a rather flummoxed face. He was very empathetic about it, and guided me the steps that I needed to take in order to reach Taipei station, informing me that I should get a refund on the card once I reached the station since I had paid him the full fare in cash on the train, and giving me reassurance that I would make it safely to Taipei station.

Taiwan was many other things too, it had beautiful geographic features such as the huge amounts of mountainous regions, the wet marshy lands, quaint establishments along the beaches, gorges and valleys that one could visit over the weekend. I did seriously consider taking a job teaching English in Taiwan once I came back from the place.

Next up was climbing Mt. Kinabalu, situated in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah in August. This was way out of my comfort zone since I've never climbed any mountains before. Starting with a 4,100m mountain sounded like a good way to kick things off. Many online resources about climbing Mt. Kinabalu says that it is a relatively easy one anyway, plus the mountain being 4,100m would give me a sense of accomplishment if I completed it. Perhaps the first sense of things not being so easy was when our guide fetched us from our accommodations at 5.30am in the morning and drove us to the starting point. As we drove out of the city into the countryside and I saw Mt. Kinabalu in person for the first time, I got a smack in the face at how high 4,100m really was. It was intimidating as heck, and a sense of anxiety began to flush over me. Looking back at it now, there was no particular instance during the climb and the descent that genuinely made me feel that I could no longer move a muscle anymore. I suppose, in that sense, it can be considered easy. Yet, there are trail runners who achieve timings of two hours and a half to ascend AND descend the mountain. That is simply beyond me, the level of fitness and preparation in order to perform at this level.

Anyway, if this was considered easy, I cannot imagine with Kilimanjaro or Aconcagua is like, considering at certain parts of the climb, I was taking a breather every three steps. Yet, my heart longs to climb another mountain, for it was truly an experience to remember.

The final travel I took in 2019 was to Cebu, Philippines in December. The first thing I think of when I recall the trip was the traffic incident my travel partner made, accidentally knocking down a pedestrian while driving on Bohol. That was such a stark reminder to me to be alert while driving, and not be complacent. It is quite incredible that one can actually knock someone down while driving sober in the fucking daylight, but it is what it is. I learnt a serious lesson that day, and it's not to trust that person's driving for a long time to come.

Beyond that incident, the holiday went rather smoothly. Said person who knocked a person down in Bohol had to pay for a return flight even though he had already paid once. The airport couldn't verify his booking, and $230 later the problem was fixed. Philippines was also out of my comfort zone as there were a lot of water activities. The problem was that I only knew how to swim breast and also, my terrible eyesight (which meant I was pretty much blind without my spectacles). It turned out, strong swimming skills weren't needed for the water activities that we were doing and well, I could see enough underwater to make it worth my while. We jumped off waterfalls during the canyoneering in Kawasan falls, swam alongside whale sharks in Oslob, and chased turtles and sardines off the coast of Moalboal.

Filipinos were a great bunch of people too. We were invited once into their house to sing Karaoke and drink liquor with them simply by standing outside their house and saying hello. The guides at tourist attractions actually went out of their way to show us the premises (we were really skeptical, he was being really nice) and not scamming us for it after that. Taxi drivers were generally honest, and kids and locals came up to greet us from out of nowhere.

And so, those were the travels that I undertook in 2019. They were great, I had lots of fun and also eye-opening experiences into what other countries are like.

So where to in 2020? Initially I did consider Hawaii but the cost is prohibitive. I might just do Vietnam again this year, to Hanoi instead of Ho Chi Minh, but right now there isn't a particular place where I've a burning desire to go to. I would like to go to USA to attend Burning Man but I think my money needs to be spent on more pressing things.

I made my one year mark in my current job in 2019. I must say the initial one year was quite a stressful period, working under a boss who really drives you. Yet, I can understand such a style of leadership, and I think I have learnt to be more effective at work generally. Work should be taking up a huge portion of this post, but I must say I remember 2019 more for the things that I did outside of work than the things I did at work. What does that mean for me? I don't know and I suppose I need to find out the answer to that.

Something else that hit the one year mark; in November it has been a year since I got braces. It is largely non-eventful, most of it is just going to the orthodontist monthly for adjustments, but it did not feel this way when I first made the decision to get braces done. The initial phase was the most painful for me, the part where tooth extractions and the application of the braces itself was performed. I had to remove eight teeth (four premolars, four wisdom teeth) and the process itself was what held me back from getting braces all these years. It was painful, I'd be lying if I told you it wasn't, although the process of getting the teeth pulled out wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Under local anesthesia, the pain from pulling the teeth out and the dentist using drills is still bearable. It's the aftermath, where once the anesthetic wears off, and you have to deal with the pain is where it sucks. Regardless, eight teeth later, I returned to the orthodontist for the application of braces itself. The braces themselves don't really hurt, besides making your mouth feel very big. Some nights though, depending on how you slept, the brackets abrade your gums and you wake up the next day with a nice sore on the inside of your mouth. Certain foods are a bitch to eat as well, but overall I must say the braces themselves aren't painful to wear.

So those were some thoughts that I had of 2019. I remember it by the holidays I went for, some of the more interesting events such as having put on braces, and the long periods of stress that I faced in my new job. Not the most interesting life, but it's the one I have.

Now, for 2020, since we're one month in already, let me talk about the one month that has passed, since quite a few things did happen in just one month. Firstly, was the death of my grandfather which I am quite saddened by. Consider this a tribute to my memories of him, since I know in time these memories will fade away and I am very sad that this will one day happen

I remember the Sunday morning visits to his place which took place weekly when I was young. He was a cheerful and active man, and I'm told by my Mum that he would like to take public transport to explore. As I got older, my visits to their place lessened and I am deeply regretful about this. We used to go over and my grandmother would make Maggi mee with chicken strips for us. Grandma would make the best curry I've ever eaten in my life during Chinese New Year, and she was a superb cook. We used to take them out on Sundays as well, I remember specifically one time we brought them out to Neo Tiew area when it was the last day of the family car, a Nissan Sunny. They were so much more mobile at the time. All of this changed when my grandpa had a fall one day about six, maybe seven years ago, and his mobility was severely affected. He had a hip replacement surgery and he could still walk, although impaired. He had a second fall and was admitted to Tan Tock Seng Hospital which I remember visiting him during my university days, and I remember my mum would bring him around in his wheelchair to eat at the Kopitiam downstairs his ward, to get him his favourite desserts. After the second fall, he was wheelchair bound.

In the following six years, with his mobility essentially gone, my uncle had to hire helpers to keep him clean and perform his basic functions such as bathing for him. He also fell prey to Alzheimer's, and I do not remember the last time he made coherent speech, it must've been at least two to three years ago where we could still speak and recognize people. Since then, it has been a downhill journey. For years, although he had Alzheimer's and also was wheelchair bound, he was still eating heartily and a nice belly popping out. I felt like I should've visited him far more during this period. It was usually my mum visiting him alone, taking the bus to his place. At this stage, even my brother and father rarely visited him anymore as we used to do together when I was in Primary school.

Early this year, I decided I would visit him more often and get to see him but alas, life likes to play a cruel joke on us. During an visit to him in the first or second week of January, I saw him like I have never seen him before. He was so thin, like a prisoner of war. My mum informed me that he had lost the ability to eat solid foods, and that his food had to be blended for him to swallow now. He had lost a huge amount of weight and the sight of him was simply heartbreaking. I visited the following week again, and he looked better. He could actually hold up his neck on his own, which was a welcome sign since his muscles have been so weak for so long that he could not hold up his own neck for many many months now. The following weekend, due to Chinese New Year, my family did not visit him as they did marketing for Chinese New Year and so I chose to do other things. On the next day (Monday) in the morning, he died.

I will forever remember him as a good person and a good grandfather. Due to language barrier, we did not get to know each other more intimately, but I am saddened by his loss and in this period, I need to support my mum in her period of grieving. I've learnt that family is the most important after all, we may not do the most extraordinary or exciting things together, but the familial bond can never be broken. I used to think my weekends were for myself, after spending five long days at work doing all sorts of exhausting things and that these visits were eating into my personal time. Well, now I wish I had taken all of the time I had for myself and visited my grandfather more when he was alive, especially the period when he deteriorated after the falls. Family will take precedence in my life now and I need to provide and help wherever I can.

In keeping up with the theme of people who have passed away this year, it is with regret that I write that one of my cousin's grandfather passed as well, not long after my grandpa passed. Another relative I visited over Chinese New Year was bedridden as well, after having suffered multiple strokes. She is currently undergoing tube feeding and spends her time mostly sleeping or unconcious. I suspect there may be one more passing soon.

Then there is also the death of Kobe Bryant just yesterday (26th January), the generation of basketballers that I grew up with. I've watched NBA just occasionally but his death is a huge loss, and the suddenness of it all really just makes me think 2020 is off to a really sad start.

WIP

Other topics to be covered and completed in this post:
bike license
what i want to achieve in 2020 - physically, mentally, career
books to read
long-term strategy (countries to visit, visa in aus, working holiday)

Seeking Discomfort

Dear readers, its been awhile. January has been a very transitionary month for me and before you know it, we're in the sixth week of 2018 already. Largely, I'm happy with the position I am in life right now and I think one factor has been instrumental in making my life as it is today; seeking discomfort.

You might've heard of this saying a couple (or countless) times before, and even observed and experienced it in your very own life; change is the only constant. No matter how stable things seem right now, change will eventually come to whatever the status quo is, be it in your food preferences as a person, or the technology we use on a daily basis.

When we're young, in our childhood, everything is novel. We're trying everything for the first few times in life, and we're amazed when something we explore surprises us pleasantly and we learn to avoid those which leaves us with unpleasant experiences. Our curiosity compels us to discover the next thing, and it outweighs the fear we have of the next experience being a negative one. As a result, we're constantly learning by exploration, by discovery and by trial and error.

Growing older,  things become less novel. We've experienced many a thing in life and have expectations in mind of how things work. We tend to avoid that which leaves a bitter aftertaste and do more of what we consider pleasant. Our mental models have taken over our innate curiosity which drove us on adventures when we were younger. We have entered a place known as the comfort zone.

I am not here to bash on the comfort zone today. Our comfort zone has its function in life. It is where we recuperate from a long day's work, re-energize and get ready for a new day. But I want to let you know of the perils of only staying in your comfort zone; change is happening, whether or not you're keeping up with it. Change is a force of nature that has not stopped since time started ticking, and it isn't going to stop until some other force of nature dictates it to be so. If you're not stepping out of your comfort zone, you will be left behind eventually.

This of course, brings us to the title of today's post, seeking discomfort. In a way, you could see seeking discomfort as going back to our childlike ways of relishing exploration, discovery and learning by trial and error, with the exception of our age. By the time we're young adults, our expectations and experiences in life will teach us what to avoid, but know that we're only human and that we make errors in judgement many times in life. What we deem to be negative can rise to the status of dogma, and our judgement is so far removed from reality at this point that it has to be considered delusion.

My solution to this problem has been simple; seek discomfort. What does seeking discomfort translate to in practice? It means to face something that we've been fearing head-on, and seeing if this meets our expectations or were we out of touch with reality. A personal example from my own life; speaking Mandarin. I've been poor at Mandarin all my life and thus I've been uncomfortable whenever I had to speak it. I'm talking about borderline results in Mandarin exams since I could remember, and just as often it would be a fail mark.

Imagine the horror then when I realized that nearly everyone in my previous company which I would spend two years at spoke in Mandarin. Well, my two years of employment at that company ended in December last year and I can't be more proud of telling you how I chose to speak Mandarin in that two years. For one, my spoken Mandarin is a little bit better. My confidence has improved and so has my tolerance for discomfort. I can at least hold a decent conversation in Mandarin now and no longer shun away from group conversations in Mandarin, which used to be about as intimidating as facing off a lion. I like to think that there have been spillover effects on other aspects of my life, not all of which I can describe. This is just one little application of the wisdom of seeking discomfort.

Seeking discomfort works so well because it challenges our assumptions and keeps us grounded with reality. It ensures that we're not avoiding things that have a negative connotation, one that we have conjured up ourselves. It keeps us from dogmatic thinking and keeps us open-minded. In a way, it's like a reality check mechanism. It also keeps us in tune with change, which is what we have to embrace if we don't want to be left in the dust.

I shall end today's post by saying this: given a choice between staying with the familiar and going for the unknown, take a leap of faith and discover what adventure lies ahead when you delve into the unknown. Thanks for reading and have a good day.

How Philosophy has Changed My Life

Dear readers, today marks the first article that I will be posting under the brand of A Man's Diary. I'd like to share with everyone, regardless of how widely read this article will be, on how learning more about philosophy has improved my life, and how it can improve yours as well. Without further ado, let's dive into it.

It was during my time in the army where I got serious about self-improvement. Perhaps seeing similarly aged people with so much more achievements than me was the final straw, and I sought to improve myself in three key aspects; physical, mental and spiritual.

Today, as the title of this post suggests, we'll be talking about the aspect of spirituality. Philosophy has been instrumental in my understanding of spirituality. While my knowledge of philosophy and the history of philosophy barely scratches the surface, I've read several books on philosophy and that has been enough to bring about some tangible changes in my life.

One of the books I couldn't recommend more highly is Jules Evan's 'Philosophy for Life: And Other Dangerous Situations'. This is a book which gives you an excellent primer into the philosophy of the Stoics, the Epicureans, and the Skeptics, among others. More importantly, what you learn reading this book can immediately be put into practice in everyday situations, and is not merely some abstract and theoretical philosophy.

However, instead of focusing and summarizing ideas from one particular book, my goal here is to share some wisdom that I've attained from reading several books within the genre of philosophy. These are the lessons which I've distilled, after finding recurring themes in books and also from personal experiences in my life.

1) Nothing good ever comes easy - Steve Jobs was ousted from Apple from his own board, as was Elon Musk from PayPal. Steve Jobs was estranged from his first daughter; he wasn't even invited to her graduation at Harvard. Elon Musk worked hundred hour workweeks back-to-back and was at several times teetering on bankruptcy during the early days of SpaceX.

In building up their empires, these two distinguished men have literally went through hell and back. I realize this in my own life; anything worth fighting for, be it a good job, a place at a good school, a partner that'll see you through thick and thin, a luxurious house, these are all things that take lots of effort to attain. The sooner you come to terms that it isn't going to be easy, the more you can focus your energies on actually making progress instead of complaining about the circumstances you were born to.

2) Realize what you're in control of and what you're not - Imagine yourself back in school, and a group of friends including you decided to hold a casual game of basketball after class. Two people who are considered to be the best among the group form opposing teams and start taking turns selecting who they want to be on their teams. Everyone seems to be getting picked, except you. You're starting to feel bad about yourself, as there are only three people left standing that hasn't been picked yet. Eventually, the third guy gets picked and it's down to you and another guy. The team captains play a game of rock-paper-scissors and decide that whoever loses gets you assigned to their team. This is a crushing example, isn't it?

In that moment, it is true that you aren't in control of which team you want to be in. It's also true that you aren't in control of what people think about your skill. Try as you might, your pride will take a beating in such a situation. But there is one thing you are in control of; your perception of this situation. Will this situation lead you to shun basketball for the rest of your life, or will you take this as the start of the long road to improvement?

The truth is, it is imperative to understand what we have control over, and what we don't. Just as important, we need to know when we're in control and when we're not, and when to take over control when we should be and when to let go when we shouldn't.

This concept of control is perhaps most beautifully phrased in the Serenity Prayer; God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It's not called the Serenity Prayer for nothing. If you truly understand and live by this concept, you will find a peace in life that is unshakable. In truly trying times, you may still lose your serenity, but remember that after learning to live by this, this is your new baseline in life and once you are out of the source of aggravation, peace and calm will quickly fill you again. It is now your default state in life and is a source of immense power.

3) Have a higher purpose - What are we really here for? Think about this question long and hard. What are the beliefs that you truly hold dear in your heart about your own being? Is the existence of humans and our consciousness one of inevitability, or one of a series of long and purposeful actions? These are questions that have fascinated me since I was young, yet it's unlikely that I'll ever know the scientific answers to these questions within my lifetime, if we even manage to figure it out.

Yet, our beliefs are the single strongest force of nature in our lives. It permeates every part of our very being, from giving us our own unique perception of events, to dictating our behavior and even affecting our neurology. And it all starts with our beliefs. Our minds are like slab of marble and our beliefs are the forces that shape this slab of marble into our very own statue of David (or whatever suits your fancy).

Having a belief that you are destined to live out a certain purpose can be a very powerful thing, as it has been in my own personal experience. Being employed in an accounting firm, I sometimes had to work 70+ hours a week, and I sometimes had such weeks back-to-back. While these may be rookie numbers for investment bankers or lawyers, it was grueling enough for me. The something that helped me power through these 70-hour work weeks? Beliefs.

Why would I voluntarily put myself through such an experience, working these kind of hours when I could have elected to find a job with less overtime? Because I had a belief that working in an accounting firm was a better path to take for my career. Something I read from Simon Sinek's excellent book, Start With Why, marines from the United States Armed Forces often ask each other the question 'Why?' when the going gets tough. 'Why are you carrying 20kg worth of equipment on your back and crawling through mud on under four hours of sleep in the last 48 hours, when you could be sitting at home watching TV had you not signed up for the Marine Corps?' 'Because this will make me a better man. Because I want to put food on the table for my kids at home. Because this is my contribution to the country and to society. That's why.' In moments like these, where we are going through tough times in life, beliefs give us something to fall back on, a safety net where we can surrender our self-doubt and negativity to and just let our faith soldier on.

Like the Marines, having the belief that this was the right step for my career gave me the strength to power through those 70 hour work weeks.

Ultimately, philosophy can only do so much to alleviate you from your pain of working over 12 hours a day, or other difficulties that you may be facing in your life, but sometimes that is all you need to make it through. When I was at the breaking point from crazy demands being piled on me by my bosses and clients, the belief that all this hard work would lead me to a better life got me through the day, and prevented me from going into a total breakdown. These beliefs didn't lead me to having a pain free life, and it never will; that is not the purpose of having a belief (a life worth living isn't going to be easy anyway, refer to point one above), rather, we have a belief so vast that it allows us to take a step back and realize that any pain you're going through at the moment is insignificant, in the grand scheme of things.

 

 4) Life is simply better with gratitude - Let's start with a personal story to expound on this point. I wasn't the most grateful of persons for most of my life (and still ain't on bad days, but I'm working on it). I used to really blame my circumstances and resent it. Why didn't my family have the ability to send me overseas for college, which I really wanted to? I wanted to go to Australia and live out the life of a college student in a foreign country, with complete freedom and no supervision from parents or the like. I wanted to be exposed to a foreign culture for a good few years as I thought that it would've netted me social points ('Oh you studied in Australia? How interesting!') and loads of fun experiences (frat parties, drugs and other hedonistic pursuits, if I'm to be completely honest). To this day, I still think that being able to spend your college days in a foreign country is a great idea, but, back to the point that I'm trying to make here.

Being thankful for what you already have is sometimes really difficult. Human nature in itself makes us inclined to get used to the status quo, making us biologically wired to be constantly seeking for more and perhaps leading us to have had some evolutionary advantage. The exact science behind it, I don't know, but as mentioned, it can be insurmountably hard to overcome our biological programming.

What I can tell you is that it is worth overcoming that difficulty, because you will be a much happier person when you introduce some gratitude into your life. Little things make you happy, big things make you exuberant, and bad things affect you less, as you are thankful for what you have anyway.

Thus, gratitude is something everyone knows that they should practice more, but never really do so in practice. It's rare to find a person who is good at doing so anyway (or at least in my experience). What has worked for me in learning to be more grateful is really quite simple; find someone who you think is good at practicing gratitude in their lives, and mix around with them more. Also, starting with simple things is something that has allowed me to make headway. Opening my eyes everyday after waking up, I am thankful for the gift of sight. Where I'm from, the tap water is drinkable, and I am deeply grateful that such a basic aspect of life is freely and easily available in my country.

There is always something to be grateful for. Gratitude, as you will realize, is not easy at all, it can be pretty fucking difficult in fact, which is why we should learn from people who are able to be constantly grateful. When everyone has lost their minds and can no longer do anything but get flustered, you are the one who is able to stay calm and appreciative because you have the ability to be thankful.

Welcome to A Man's Diary!

Good evening readers. If you haven't already noticed, Hangouts of Singapore has as of today been rebranded to A Man's Diary. This will mark a change in the focus of topics I write on. Where Hangouts of Singapore previously focused on snippets of life in Singapore and the occasional rambling, you can expect to read a wide range of topics on A Man's Diary, ranging anywhere from philosophy to grooming, history to book recommendations and anything else in-between. All of these themes are unified by the ultimate focus however; that of self-improvement. I hope to share some of the lessons I have learned in my life as well as those that I've come across in books, blog entries and other sources.

Obviously, I hardly profess to be a leading authority on such matters. I myself am very much a work in progress, as shall be the case until I take my last living breath. I have however, accrued some knowledge over the last two years.

Two years ago, I changed jobs. Without diving into specifics, I went from a job which barely challenged me to one where I was constantly put out of my comfort zone. Intellectually, linguistically, physically, my new job challenges me much more than my previous one. During the span of these two years, I also vowed to read more books, spanning genres such as economics, philosophy, psychology, biographies, political science, self-help, business, and military strategy, among others. I have accrued some wisdom from these two years and it is my earnest wish to share them with whoever may benefit from it. That is the ultimate aim as well as the driving force behind A Man's Diary.

Another driving force behind setting up A Man's Diary has been the influence certain writers have had on my life; namely Tim Feriss, Ryan Holiday and Robert Greene. Of course, they're financially successful people, but it's also the level of wisdom, knowledge and being so well read that I admire about these three.

It is my sincere belief that part of the path to self-betterment lies in confronting the truth head-on. Therefore, I shall be absolutely forthcoming in my writings here. Do not expect me to sugar-coat words or be politically correct here. I say what is on my mind. If you are here for consolation, this may not be the best place for you.

Thus, let's all herald in a new age of A Man's Diary. It is a quest that every man should undertake; to discover his true potential in life by embarking on a journey of self-improvement. I shall see you again, dear readers, when my next article on the importance of journaling is out.

The Woes of Employment

It's been awhile. And I come bearing an update that perhaps is somewhat disappointing. In terms of progress made towards the goals I've set out in the previous post, I don't think I've been pushing myself as hard as I could. Those goals aren't exactly a walk in the park and I must embark on a new level of commitment if I am to achieve them in 2017. I'm not one to blame circumstances, or at least I try, but I would attribute much of it to the amount of hours I have had to put into work over the past two months.

I've just rewatched Apocalypto, a movie I first saw when I was in secondary school (oh, the pangs of nostalgia). I came to a realization; even if Apocalypto is not an accurate depiction of the Mayan era, life in the modern era (19th century onwards) has been so peaceful as compared to their era. I know I have it good, to be living in an era where pillage and plunder are no longer the order of the day, and that trade and commerce has largely replaced the need to perform a hostile takeover of opposing tribes around us in order to survive and proliferate. Still, having lived my entire life in this modern day society, one gets accustomed to it. Therein lies the purpose of today's ramblings.

I've been doing poorly at work of late, I'd say in terms of performance as well as my ability to cope. Of course, I understand that going through tough times are very much a matter of perspective; you can either go through it, and come out a stronger man or decide that this is simply not for you. I understand the growth mindset, but lately my thinking has been more in line with the latter. The implications with going through on this mindset can potentially be quite discouraging. Months of unemployment, a feeling of idleness and even hopelessness. These are just the mental effects of it, not to speak of the dwindling bank account I will see if I go through with this decision. Obviously then, a tough choice lies ahead.

It has been a very busy two months and I've had to set everything aside for work. I think it has impacted me negatively and of course, choosing to be unemployed is always a decision that shouldn't be taken lightly. When does one draw the line though? No doubt being meaningfully employed is very important, but still there must be limits for a person such that he will no longer tolerate being at workplace he wish he wasn't in. For me, I'm in the midst of deciding where that line is now.

But I need to get my expectations sorted out and get them checked against reality. If I were to go ahead and choose unemployment, I need to be ready for a sense of idleness while seeking new employment which I think can potentially be discouraging and damaging to my mentality, bank account and career. I'm ready to combat that idleness and the mental effects by taking up temporary employment as well as volunteer work, but I can't speak for the situation regarding careers. I won't know how long it'll take me to find new employment and therein lies the biggest factor of uncertainty in this choice. I know what I must do then.. That'll be all for today.

The New Chapter

I have been liberated, from two months of living under fear, worry and despair. And I feel alive. I can finally carry on with my life and work towards all the goals that I hold in 2017 and beyond. There are basically three main aspects with which I seek to make improvements in, they being physical, mental and spiritual.

Physically, I hope to hit these records within 2017. 2.5x bodyweight deadlift, 0.5x weighted pullups, 0.7x weighted dips, achieve a handstand as well as being able to do my first handstand push-up. These are all very lofty goals, no doubt. But I think with a methodical and systematic approach, these goals are actually realistic. I will definitely come back at the end of 2017 we will come back to review how many of these we have achieved.

On the mental front, I would like to get more well read. I came across this list which I think is very much in line with the direction I would like my life to head in. I'm hoping to be 50% done with this list by the end of 2017. Even before this list, I have already been making an effort to introduce more books and reading to my life from about a year ago. Some genres of books that I'm preferential towards have been in the fields of psychology, economics, neuroscience for the layperson, biographies of people I admire as well as politics and philosophy.

Spiritually, I'd like to make strides in distilling my life's philosophy and that means making progress with asking the right questions that drives behavior to improve my life, as well as to be more in touch with my inner self. I see myself doing this by practicing more mindfulness and meditation, as well as reading more philosophical works which ties in with the reading aspect as mentioned above.

It's going to be a busy year indeed, I've got my work cut out for me. And that is exactly how I like it, getting better everyday and doing the things necessary to realize the best version of myself. With that, peace out and have a good day everyone.

Musings on the Year So Far

So far, I've written two drafts of what I hope to achieve in 2017 but they have remained as just that; drafts. This is understandably not the best way to start 2017, but we're not here to discuss that matter today. Rather, we will be taking a look on the month and a half that has passed since the start of the year.

Unbelievably, it is already the second month into this faithful year. And that marks a year since I've started with my second employer. Already, the mind is waning in its willingness to stay on here. Little shall be shared here as the walls have ears.

I've been doing some reading of late, trying to learn from men whom I like to consider accomplished men, but in doing so realize that I do not read very critically. Rather, I read every book much like I read story books, which cannot be the case when you're reading political treatises such as The Prince (Niccolo Machiavelli) or The Art of War (Sun Tzu). Significant amounts of effort must be put into interpreting what the author meant in that specific context, which means having to brush up on your history during their era in order to understand exactly what they were referring to, as well as getting the principle behind it and then applying it to a contemporary context. I'm hoping that all these efforts will allow me some of the wisdom and insight that these men have shown, something that I'm in admiration of. I always admire people of great stature, especially when they came from thousands of years back and did not possess creature comforts that we today have, such as being able to bath daily and having all the engineering infrastructure that we take for granted today.

Another thing, I hope to fulfill greater traveling ambitions this year. I reflect back on my Sydney and Italy trip with fond memories. I am most willing to admit that I am not well traveled and I wish I had the luxury of taking long road trips across Europe, Australia and USA before I stepped out into the working world but I simply haven't. That's OK though, I have my life ahead of me to do so and I think more importantly, have grown a profound appreciation for travel by my lack of means in earlier years.

I'm also very glad to have had the courage to face up to what I really needed to do recently. This is personal enough that it shall be kept off the books (or the web, for that matter), but basically what happened is that I mustered up the courage to get a certain act done, and can now move on ahead with life whatever the outcome may be, instead of having it constantly on the back of my mind, where it was taking precious mental faculty.

Through the year, there are a couple of things I wish to accomplish as well. I'm not the most open of people, especially when it comes to taking initiative in opening up and starting social interactions. 2017 is the year where I seek to really make strides in this area, being able to initialize social interactions at ease and be open, sincere, authentic and deep in my relationships with just about anyone which I come into contact with. Of course, that is the end goal, and I always believe in doing things in a progressive manner, and not  一步登天, as we like to say in Chinese. Literally translated, it means to ascend to heaven in one step. These goals are never realistic and only serve to beat up your own self worth when you realize it's impossible.

It's also that stage in life where everyone of my age seems to be proposing and marrying, some even having their firstborn already and whatnot. All while I'm just sitting here in my Fortress of Solitude, reading, philosophizing and mellowing into what I hope will be a fine wine. Ultimately, as I take on all these efforts to read, to get fitter and to improve in the three aspects daily (mentally, physically and spiritually) so that I am more able self-validate, a certain part of me wonders if I self-validate because that's exactly what society likes; the strong, independent, self-validating type? Therefore, isn't this an exercise entirely contradictory of itself? While these are questions that I contemplate with, I can feel the positive difference that my efforts in the three areas have brought to my life, and will therefore keep carrying on regardless of the answer to that question.

That will be all for today, thank you for reading.

Missing Her

Wow, it's been a year since the last post was made. Time absolutely flies. Cliché as it may sound, if you don't treasure what you have, your entire life will slip away from you uneventfully, and you'll have missed all the beautiful moments that life is able to provide. Getting into a relationship with a person you truly love is perhaps one of the most beautiful things a person can experience in his/her life, and I'm very grateful that I have had the fortune to go through that.

Over a year has past since the last post and that also means that over a year has past since we were together. I think being at my current job has taught me many things, one of the most important of which is the meaning of the word gratitude. Yes, admittedly, I was an ingrate in my earlier 20s (I'm 25 at the time of writing this post). I don't blame it on anyone, but at the same time I think I didn't have a strong father figure to teach me the importance of a man having values.

I understand it somewhat now, after having observed how some successful men at work behave, as well as delving into lots of books. Yes, reading has been so essential in shaping who I am now that I wish I've spent a lot more time on books in my younger years. Of course, I have so much more to learn, but I think I'm working at a steady, sustainable pace right now and that's a good thing. I've been reading biographies on people I admire (Elon Musk), books on leadership, management, neuroscience, psychology and just about anything which I think helps improve me as a person and my work performance, and its been thoroughly enriching.

Now, the meaning of gratitude is a little clearer to me, not just through books but through seeing my grandfather going for hip replacement surgery and realizing how lucky one is just for having the use of your legs. I find something to be thankful everyday, which I'm not always successful at (there are still bad days, but I'd like to think that I've been rather successful at reducing them) but I try.

And it is through learning all these things in 2016 that I realize what an dick I was to my ex-girlfriend at times. I can honestly say that I am a better person because I met her, yet I am appalled today at some of the behaviors which I have shown her. So yes, if somehow you're reading this and you know who is writing this, I want to sincerely say that I am sorry for all my past behaviors which have hurt you, and that I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to have you in my life for a good three and a half years. I don't know how the future will pan out but you will forever be one of the great loves of my life. In the months that have followed our breakup, I have cried, I have anguished, and know this, I really hope you meet a guy who will respect you, treat you right, and most of all protect you. You have earned this right for being such a wonderful human being.

A New Chapter in Life

Well, its been quite awhile since there's been an update on any of my blogs. Today I come with a couple of revelations, first of which is the ending of a long relationship which I've been in recently. It's going to be quite a period of transition for me, since I've gotten so used to the way some things have been for a couple of years now, but I think it'll be a healthy change and it'll be change for the better. I've recently felt very apathetic towards life in general, but I think this is the first step I have to take in order to be able to live in the present again. Mental conditions I've realized, are a very real but misunderstood threat, given their somewhat intangible nature. As such, society can be most unforgiving to those afflicted with such conditions. Well, becoming single again was the first step of many on the road to betterment. And recently, the road to betterment has got a lot less to do with my disciplines in going gym and a lot more about having a good career. Now, I don't know if it's a good or bad thing, but I do know that this relentless mindset is necessary till I get a decent job. I know for sure that being so money-minded cannot be good in the long-term.

Even this post has been me droning about work, which wasn't my main reason behind this post. I just wanted to say, getting out of a long relationship does really make one feel like the gears have started moving again, especially in one where things have remained status quo for years. And I like it, things are starting to move and life is starting to be exciting again. I have been out of the game for years now and it's time to hone it back. Once again, I'm going through a transitional period in life, and I'm just excited at all the opportunities this can possibly lead me to. Admittedly, this post is a little cryptic, but to sum it this whole post up, you can just take it that I'm back on track for the road to a happy and content life.